To delete or not to delete --

I've written and rewritten this post. I've sweated bullets over it. What do I say? I always feel like I'm being auditioned here. But who exactly is the one auditioning me? I'm sitting alone on my couch at 2:26 in the morning. I see no one. All the lights are off in the square. It's the most silent it ever gets around here at this time of the year especially when softball has kicked into gear and the fans are roaring and the lights are blaring. It's a very early Sunday morning, and there's not a peep around here, not a flicker in a window. It is silent and motionless.

I'm still writing and deleting like crazy. I think of something to say, then decide I don't want to keep it, pressing the backspace button to wipe it clean again. I love that. Really, wouldn't it be so great to delete anything else in your life that easily? Credit card debt. Delete. Dirty clothes. Delete. Dog poo. Delete.

I've been flipping through the channels while typing and deleting when I finally hit upon a winner -- No Way Out with Kevin Costner. Dear God, Kevin looks like he must be 19 years old and 5" wide. I love how men add a thickness to themselves as they age. I like the fuller faces, the wider waists and flat stomachs. Give them a touch of gray at their temples and a few lines at the corner of their eyes, and I'm a happy girl. Slip one under me and I'm even happier.

Now that statement makes me sound like I'm pretty loose. The fact of the matter is that I'm the farthest from being loose. I'm in a small town that has binoculars on anything loose, and I steer clear of that. When I left my husband ten years ago, you would've thought I killed someone, lied about it, covered it up, and then killed all those who suspected me. Okay, so I'm exaggerating a little, but this town's a lot like living in a fishbowl. If you don't want to be found out, then don't do it in Langsberry.

It's now 3:17 in the morning and finally my eyelids are getting heavy. Not even Kevin Costner can keep them up. Now, maybe if it was the Kevin in For Love of the Game or even Upside of Anger, but get him any younger than that and I'm not nearly as interested. I want a man of substance.

So, I'm going to get this posted before I decide to delete it. I'm too tired to keep rewriting. This has got to do. I'm letting go of the idea that this could lead to a Pulitzer or at least a great audition.