Great Expectations

Healing Grace is about expectations, the expectations we place on ourselves and those we think others place on us. Who do we become because we think we're supposed to be a certain way?

I remember feeling that so acutely in high school, so conscious of how others perceived me. Just walking into a room alone made me cringe because I knew that all eyes were focused on me and how I walked, looked, moved. Really? How in the hell could I have ever come to that conclusion? But it's still those crazy expectations I have about others and situations in my life that keep throwing me. I've discovered that I assume a certain action means a certain outcome. Dear god, where in the world did I get that assumption?

I create people in my head through my thoughts. I look at a man and determine what he is really like and how he will act towards me, and when those expectations aren't met, I'm so surprised. Shocked really. Now, here's the thing, I know better. I know that people are not going to live up to my expectations, but most importantly, why do I even have them anymore? I know better!

I recently got another lesson of a lifetime last night when I discovered that a company and their former consultant were lashing out at each other through cyberspace. I had held both the company and the consultant in such high esteem, that I was mortified, devastated really, when I read the emails blasting the other. That's why I say "former" consultant. The marriage ended bitterly.

One's accusing the other and it's just ugly. I felt like I had to hose myself off after reading the emails. Neither side looks appealing to me. And the friend that got me involved with the company told me things about the former consultant that hung in the air like rabid bacteria. It made me want to throw up.

None of it feels good, looks good, or smells good. None of it. Today I want to just stay in with my daughter's dog and curl up on the couch with my laptop. I want to write all day. I want to be away from people and just breathe.

I would've staked my life on the integrity of both the company and this man that used to work with them. It doesn't matter who's telling the truth. To me, it's about how I expected them to be -- ethical, honest, and forthright, and neither of them seemed that way in the emails. I expected them to be a certain way, and when they showed me otherwise, I felt betrayed. Hm, another lesson has reared its head. Just a constant loop of lesson after lesson after lesson. Lovely.

So, is the moral of the story to have no expectations about people? To allow them to show up however they choose, observe the circumstances and behavior, and just let it be???

What a concept. To allow. To just flow with whatever is in front of me. To dance on shifting carpet, as Tom Crum has taught me.

Whew! This feels like a big one for me. I see that when mastering this I will no longer be at the mercy of others to determine how I feel. I would love to say that I'm already just a happy, fulfilled person no matter what goes on around me, but that would be a lie. I've seen myself ride on the roller coaster of emotions lately, feeling up when hearing what I wanted and plummeting when I didn't. Oh paleeeese!!!

Can I just get myself out of that friggin' high school yet? It's been 35 years since those days. Graduate already. Move the fuck on! It's time to grow up, be a big girl, and allow others to do whatever they want in the world and for me to not change who I am because of it.

We all came here to play the roles we're playing, so why get upset when people are doing just that? Oh, it's that amnesia thing -- I keep forgetting that we are not these meat suits, as James Arthur Ray says. We are spiritual beings having human experiences. We're here to play together, to stir up shit, to clean it out, and to do it all over again in different circumstances with different people. Woo hoo! Lucky us! Celebrate the fact that we're doing just that. We are stirring the pot. We are creating chaos, and we're doing it magnificently. Mission accomplished over and over and over.

Now, if I can just keep remembering that.