My Bo

I just got off the phone with a friend. We talked for almost an hour, and now I miss him in a way that I haven't before.

When he was telling me about his writing, I wished I was with him while he was reading it to me. He used to do that last fall when we were together. We'd make love and then get up to watch some sports on T.V. He'd make his way over to the dining room table where his laptop was and read me his poetry. I remember laying on the couch wrapped in my robe and sinking into his words. I remember relishing the sound of his voice as the words curled around my ears.

I miss him.

When he was talking to me tonight, I wished I was laying next to him with my head on his chest while he read me the poems he wrote that day.

I miss him.

I envisioned us writing near each other, and when taking breaks reading out loud the words we'd just written. Or sitting in front of a fire reading great novels and being so excited about the words we'd have to read them to each other.

God, here I go being a crazy teenager in love. Well, not exactly. With him it's always been this calmness, and tonight was smooth. Tonight was silk. Tonight was a soft melody that just flowed effortlessly, and it felt so good. It just felt so good. It was quiet and relaxing and fluid. It was what I didn't know was possible to even dream about.

I really miss him. I want him back in my life. I want to lay down beside him when I'm tired and limp after lovemaking. I want to sip wine with him while flipping through a book of poetry. I want to run my hand through his hair when he holds me. I want to hear his voice while he reads to me.

How did this happen? I was living here in McKinney, Texas with a million things going on, amazingly wonderful things going on with a plethora of new friends and excitement at every turn, and then he calls me a few weeks ago, and I haven't been the same since.

There are still a million things going on with a million new friends, but now after talking with him, there is this desire for something more. A desire that goes very deeply into the core of who I am. Our conversation tonight stirred that center, moved something within me that's altered me forever. I don't know what it is, but it feels like something I've been waiting my whole life for.

I feel like I've been playing at being myself until this conversation tonight. It was as if he had the key that unlocked a secret compartment in me, and that part of me that has been well hidden has now been let loose. I can never be who I was before that phone call tonight. I am different now. Just listening to his voice reminded me who I really am. He is the siren calling me home, and home is not a place. It's a way to be.

I remember now why it was so easy watching sports with him. It was calming. It was effortless. It was intoxicating. I'm not a sports fan at all. I've never watched sports on T.V. until he came over to my home last fall and had to see his games. I was surprised I wasn't upset by it. I would've been with any other man, but now I know that with Bo it was just the most natural thing in the world as was making love, drinking wine, being in the library, walking, and kissing.

Just being with Bo, and now just thinking about him, I feel this resolute calming effect wash over me. It's tranquilizing. What is in him that affects me like this? I've never been calm about a man before. I've always been crazy and overcome and stupid. This is so different that I discounted it, but what if it's the realest thing I've ever had?